Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Hi, my name is _____.

Doesn't really matter. People, it's a beautiful thing. Can you see the world around us? It's glimmering.
If you are reading these words you are witnessing pure magic. It took me a couple months of swimming in the depth's of my own mind but I'm back in the sunshine, ready to show people some cool tricks.

Life is literally like a dream in that you direct yourself the same way you do in a dream. The veil is thin now.

The truth is echoing loudly in every facet of our existence.

The media.
Whoops, we were so taken in by the fine detail of the features that we got a bit lost.
It's not scary to dream.
You just float along.
It's comfortable.
It's empowering.

I'm going to dedicate a blog to poetry and writing projects. It's necessary.
Also, I have a Deviantart, there are only two things up there right now but very soon there will be more, I assure.

Oh 2011, you're going to be magical.

P.S. I have Fios, and it's magical. Be jealous.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Allie Brosh, you're famous!

Dear Allie Brosh, esteemed author of Hyperbole and a Half, it is that day you've been waiting for, longing for- I am the messenger goddess of the Great Olympians come to inform you:

You're famous!

That's right. If you haven't figured it out by now, you're very well known! And popular too! It's all your secret dreams come true! Right up there with discovering Candy-Cake Mountain and Donut Heaven. Not to worry, those will come next. For now, why don't you enjoy your fame and fortune?

I live in a little city right outside of Dallas, and one morning not too long ago I was walking through my college library when I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone on a computer reading the most recent Hyperbole and a Half post. I experienced something similar to the feeling of hearing about a second cousin publishing a best selling novel. Not close enough to the person to actually be able to take any kind of claim to their fame but still- they're your second cousin! That's like... Something? Right?

But I also felt like I had discovered this incredible secret you'd been searching the earth over for and I had to get it to you as soon as possible!! As soon as possible being about a week or two later. Time is relative to the severity of your ADHD.

So anyway, where was I? OH YEAH. YOU'RE FAMOUS ALLIE BROSH! How many times have I said that now? Twelve? Hey Allie Brosh, do you mind if I call you Allie? Ok. Hey Allie, do you want us to throw you a 'You're Famous Now Allie Brosh' party? It would be epic! I don't know what we'd do... Probably spam the internet and spread anarchy, or eat cake. TOO MANY CHOICES!



These are actually just penises surprised disguised as innocent smilies...


Don't you hate it when you're in a public place using the internet? Because when someone comes to sit down next to you, you *know* they're always glancing over at what you're doing. No matter how many times you tell yourself, people aren't like that, they're more respectful of other people's privacy, but nope! That's a lie you tell yourself. So what do you do when you wanna say, Google 'Rape Party'? You can't sit there and explain to them why you're googling Rape Party, that's just absurd. But if you don't say anything about it they're going to think you're a sick freak. And even if you DO explain it to them, they probably won't get the humor. So what do you do? You google Rape Party anyway, and laugh silently to yourself. In fact, it'll probably convince them to leave sooner.

No luck. This girl is clearly not paying attention to my Rape Googling ways.

Well Allie, we'll throw a party for you. I'll send you the address. :) It'll be like an adventure! You'll be on edge the whole time! Trying to figure out whether or not it's actually a Rape Party or just an honest to goodness party in honor of your Internet fame thrown by total strangers. And the cake may or may not be a lie.

...The End.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Lars and the Real Girl

Yes, I'm reviewing a movie. Not normally my thing, but this one undoubtedly deserves it.

If you haven't seen Lars and the Real Girl then I strongly recommend it. To anyone. The adult references are fairly indirect, and, in a very unexpected way, we can all relate to it.

I put in the movie expecting a comedy, but after watching it, I wouldn't categorize it under this genre at all. What I got was an extremely unique, heartfelt, feel-good movie. Not what you'd expect from a movie about a reclusive man who starts dating an anatomically correct 'love doll'. Yes, the humor is there, but it's blended in naturally, serving to complement the main flavor.

If a movie can make you want to cry at a sex doll's funeral, then it must be doing something right. And that's exactly where I found myself: Busting out with unwarranted laughter to compensate for the awkwardness I felt at wanting to cry.

My drama teacher always says: "A good play will move your guts over two inches."

The same is true of a movie.

It is not an attachment to Bianca (The main character's plastic girlfriend) that evokes these powerful emotions in you, but your reaction to how profoundly the entire town cares for Lars.

I won't spoil it with any more details. Go and watch for yourself.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Join the SuperHappyI'mTerrificSexyOstrichNarwal Club!

Yes, I know the title runs off the page. We're just that cool. No blog can contain this coolness.

An Overly Complicated and Long Winded Introduction to my New Blog

This introduction will most likely be edited as time goes on. As, in the future, it will be the very last post, as opposed to the first. So eventually it will be this kind of weird "Hello, welcome to my blog!"/"Hello! Thank you for reading to the end of my blog!" hybrid.

Don't make fun of him for his uniqueness. (The post is a him) He has to serve multiple, almost conflicting purposes and it takes a special kind of something to pull that off. He is a leader of men, if you will, except instead of men he is leading blogs.

I came up with this second part right here ^ while I was on the toilet, it was much funnier and more clever when initially thought of, however, some of it was unfortunately lost in the time it took me to flush, wash my hands, check my facebook and get back to writing.

Anyway, as I was saying, this post being a leader of blog-men or, actually, post-men (Ha! My blog post is a leader of mail men. What? That's not funny to you? Well screw off, I don't need you anyway. Oh, wait, I do because writing a blog to no readers is kind of pointless. Or like a journal, and I hate journals. And you can't secretly scam people out of money by creating a shop full of useless paraphernalia if you don't have people to scam. So, I'm sorry! I love you! Come back! We can work out our differences. See? I took that lame joke off. It's all better now... Do you want to buy a T-shirt?) (That was an awfully long aside. You've probably lost track of where we are now, I suggest reading back to where you were before these two unnecessarily long monstrosities of asides got in your way, so that you're not confused.) it must fulfill a variety of duties. As we all know, the best way to complete a multitude of chores is to make them into a list.

  1. I would like to introduce myself. My name is Iris. I also have a personal blog, http://iristinley.blogspot.com, but it's a mess right now. So don't expect a phenomenal, life changing experience.
2. I would also like to introduce you to Hobo Fantasies; if you're not certain what or where Hobo Fantasies is, you either have poor reading comprehension skills and/or are lost and didn't mean to be here. I'm sorry. You were probably looking for this.
Or, god forbid, this. Though why anyone would willingly search for that I don't understand. Hobo Fantasies is the blog you are reading right now, incase you didn't catch that. I know that I am somewhat hard to understand at times, so I wanted to clarify. The name didn't originally have a meaning. I couldn't, for the life of me, find a suitable name, though I wanted it to be perfect in every way. So I enlisted the help of a random blog name generator.

(You can kind of see it, if you know what you're looking for. If not it kind of just looks like Hode Rataus, or, Hobe Fatass.)
I was so impressed with the name I decided to keep it! I have a feeling it's the kind of thing we'll slowly grow to understand was absolutely perfect all along and that I intuitively recognized this upon seeing it, but couldn't figure out just why until the blog itself grew to a substantial point. You know, that kind of thing happens every day. Like, to your grandma. I took this out because I realized only I would ever find that funny. I'm so considerate.

3. What I intend this blog to address. I have these goals and hopes, they involve freeing humanity from the invisible binding chains placed upon us by Feartor the giant pterodactyl alien at the onset of society. Apparently, I cannot dedicate myself to any longstanding creative endeavor without in some way lacing it with these messages. However I am also an avid entertainer and do not want to make an all serious blog. So my plan is to craft a very delicate combination of both funny and serious. It will be something like 85% Haha giant tyrannosaurus rex frisbee ball duck and 20% So you know... Each human being has unlimited potential within themselves and we should all try to face our fears and live life for ourselves. Five percent was taken out for taxes. That made no sense. Don't worry about it. Which leads me to my next point...

4. My humor is often very random and not at all based upon some intricate and clever joke. So if I say something like: "Haha! Pterodactyl rhinoceros ruler banana poop!" Please, do not try to dig deeper. For your own safety, even I don't know what you might discover if you take a metaphorical shovel to that mess. Probably flesh eating leprechauns. I don't know. Just don't do it.

5. Thank you for reading to the end of my blog!! You get a shiny medal and a coupon for a 90% discount of any purchase of any quantity at McDonald's. Just print out this page and take it into your local Mickey Dee's (I hate that phrase, I only used it to prevent redundancy. Don't hate me.) and ask the cashier to redeem it. If they refuse, pull down your pants and show them your genitals. Don't worry, this is a test to see if you are a member of the secret club. They know what's going on. And people dressed in police uniforms will show up shortly after. Again, don't worry. These are not real police. They are actually escorts from the SuperHappyI'mTerrificSexyOstricheNarwhal club. Otherwise known as S.H.I.T.S.O.N They are there to take you on a cruise to Disney World. Followed by a long and fun train ride to London! Make sure to shout the club's acronym out many times as the 'police' 'apprehend' you. This way they can tell who you are.*

*Please for the LOVE OF GOD. Do not be stupid enough to believe this. If I get sued for whatever stupidity you might possess then I'll go all Jay and Silent Bob on your ass and HUNT YOU DOWN. I will make you pay every penny I am sued for with menial labor. And by menial labor I mean blow jobs to the many sex starved hobos it takes to run this blog.