Tuesday, June 15, 2010

An Overly Complicated and Long Winded Introduction to my New Blog

This introduction will most likely be edited as time goes on. As, in the future, it will be the very last post, as opposed to the first. So eventually it will be this kind of weird "Hello, welcome to my blog!"/"Hello! Thank you for reading to the end of my blog!" hybrid.

Don't make fun of him for his uniqueness. (The post is a him) He has to serve multiple, almost conflicting purposes and it takes a special kind of something to pull that off. He is a leader of men, if you will, except instead of men he is leading blogs.

I came up with this second part right here ^ while I was on the toilet, it was much funnier and more clever when initially thought of, however, some of it was unfortunately lost in the time it took me to flush, wash my hands, check my facebook and get back to writing.

Anyway, as I was saying, this post being a leader of blog-men or, actually, post-men (Ha! My blog post is a leader of mail men. What? That's not funny to you? Well screw off, I don't need you anyway. Oh, wait, I do because writing a blog to no readers is kind of pointless. Or like a journal, and I hate journals. And you can't secretly scam people out of money by creating a shop full of useless paraphernalia if you don't have people to scam. So, I'm sorry! I love you! Come back! We can work out our differences. See? I took that lame joke off. It's all better now... Do you want to buy a T-shirt?) (That was an awfully long aside. You've probably lost track of where we are now, I suggest reading back to where you were before these two unnecessarily long monstrosities of asides got in your way, so that you're not confused.) it must fulfill a variety of duties. As we all know, the best way to complete a multitude of chores is to make them into a list.

  1. I would like to introduce myself. My name is Iris. I also have a personal blog, http://iristinley.blogspot.com, but it's a mess right now. So don't expect a phenomenal, life changing experience.
2. I would also like to introduce you to Hobo Fantasies; if you're not certain what or where Hobo Fantasies is, you either have poor reading comprehension skills and/or are lost and didn't mean to be here. I'm sorry. You were probably looking for this.
Or, god forbid, this. Though why anyone would willingly search for that I don't understand. Hobo Fantasies is the blog you are reading right now, incase you didn't catch that. I know that I am somewhat hard to understand at times, so I wanted to clarify. The name didn't originally have a meaning. I couldn't, for the life of me, find a suitable name, though I wanted it to be perfect in every way. So I enlisted the help of a random blog name generator.

(You can kind of see it, if you know what you're looking for. If not it kind of just looks like Hode Rataus, or, Hobe Fatass.)
I was so impressed with the name I decided to keep it! I have a feeling it's the kind of thing we'll slowly grow to understand was absolutely perfect all along and that I intuitively recognized this upon seeing it, but couldn't figure out just why until the blog itself grew to a substantial point. You know, that kind of thing happens every day. Like, to your grandma. I took this out because I realized only I would ever find that funny. I'm so considerate.

3. What I intend this blog to address. I have these goals and hopes, they involve freeing humanity from the invisible binding chains placed upon us by Feartor the giant pterodactyl alien at the onset of society. Apparently, I cannot dedicate myself to any longstanding creative endeavor without in some way lacing it with these messages. However I am also an avid entertainer and do not want to make an all serious blog. So my plan is to craft a very delicate combination of both funny and serious. It will be something like 85% Haha giant tyrannosaurus rex frisbee ball duck and 20% So you know... Each human being has unlimited potential within themselves and we should all try to face our fears and live life for ourselves. Five percent was taken out for taxes. That made no sense. Don't worry about it. Which leads me to my next point...

4. My humor is often very random and not at all based upon some intricate and clever joke. So if I say something like: "Haha! Pterodactyl rhinoceros ruler banana poop!" Please, do not try to dig deeper. For your own safety, even I don't know what you might discover if you take a metaphorical shovel to that mess. Probably flesh eating leprechauns. I don't know. Just don't do it.

5. Thank you for reading to the end of my blog!! You get a shiny medal and a coupon for a 90% discount of any purchase of any quantity at McDonald's. Just print out this page and take it into your local Mickey Dee's (I hate that phrase, I only used it to prevent redundancy. Don't hate me.) and ask the cashier to redeem it. If they refuse, pull down your pants and show them your genitals. Don't worry, this is a test to see if you are a member of the secret club. They know what's going on. And people dressed in police uniforms will show up shortly after. Again, don't worry. These are not real police. They are actually escorts from the SuperHappyI'mTerrificSexyOstricheNarwhal club. Otherwise known as S.H.I.T.S.O.N They are there to take you on a cruise to Disney World. Followed by a long and fun train ride to London! Make sure to shout the club's acronym out many times as the 'police' 'apprehend' you. This way they can tell who you are.*

*Please for the LOVE OF GOD. Do not be stupid enough to believe this. If I get sued for whatever stupidity you might possess then I'll go all Jay and Silent Bob on your ass and HUNT YOU DOWN. I will make you pay every penny I am sued for with menial labor. And by menial labor I mean blow jobs to the many sex starved hobos it takes to run this blog.

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